Bond Girls, Bollinger and BlackOut
DRAFT COPY.

Q

So, what did happen? Well let’s start at the beginning. It was in November 2002. There may be 30 days in November but this memorable event took place over 14 Days and 5 nights……Five Nights In London with James Bond.

My brother John and I had won a competition that was held on the Internet. First Prize was a trip to London to attend the Royal World Premier Of the James Bond movie, "Die Another Day". The following is a sort of daily diary covering how it all went down. We had one week’s notice to get organised;

Day 1. Wednesday, the phone rang. John answered. A sexy voice on the other end of the phone explained that this call was to confirm the accommodation details for London. John laughed and said, "sure but we’re busy now, perhaps you should call back later". The persistent young woman did and we have not stopped smiling since. We had won a competition (we did not; at that time actually remember entering). The competition was held by 9MSN and the prize was a trip for two to the Royal World Premier of the latest James Bond Movie at that time, Die Another Day (Fantastic, we thought). Including Airfare for two to London (Wonderful, we said). Five night’s accommodation at The Royal Gardens Hotel (Very Nice indeed, we felt). Tickets to the Premier with a special invitation to the exclusive cast and crew party after the movie. (Bonus!!! Oh Yeah!!! Now it’s time to get really excited).

I was visiting Sydney from Perth looking at a few business opportunities with my brother John. I guess this all began on the Monday before Day 1. We were waiting for some information to download from a web site using 9MSN. On the home page we noticed a competition to enter, we thought that we might as well have a go. The following Wednesday -now known as Day 1-, we were in an Irish Pub negotiating a deal to take over management of the entertainment for that Pub. When the call came through, we thought it was a gag. Five nights in London, departing in six days time! I guess you have to live in Australian to appreciate the humour and irony of us being in an Irish Pub.

Day 2. Thursday. My passport was stolen the month before we won the prize. I had not at that time got around to replacing it. I phoned the British Consulate in Canberra; they were so helpful and said that they would rush my application through. This made it possible for me to be able to go. We explained about the prize to everyone we spoke to, everyone laughed, as we did and still do. You just never actually hear about the winners of these competitions. I think that my brother and I and, everyone we have told this tale to have now all become professional competition entrants.

Day 3. Friday. We sent off my passport application; and started working out how to shuffle around work commitments so that we could leave the following week. We also needed to organise my Black Tie and Tux and some warm clothes. November in London can be fresh. Sydney was hot. A quick phone call to family in Perth got the clothes in the post. Thank You family in Perth.

Day’s 4 & 5. The weekend. We decided to get some local mileage from the prize; we used it as a reason to party with a couple of girlies. I was trying to get my brother laid; he was not long out of a broken marriage and still nursing his broken heart. Me, it had been 8 years since my divorce and so I have had time to become a well adjusted single male and suitably cynical. No, not really, I just know how to play the game and am fortunate enough to get to play it from time to time. My brother and I took time to reflect and laugh at the irony of our lives. We were at an age when most men are reflecting and planing for their twilight years in retirement. Hell, for John and I, these years resemble more of "The Twilight Zone". We didn’t get laid that night, but we did enjoy some nice female company and that is always a bonus.

Day’s 6 & 7. My clothes arrived, our work was re-organised and a lift to the airport arranged. Nothing else as yet, no tickets or information from the prize organisers and no passport. No stress. It did feel a little strange though, thinking that we were about to leave the country and yet we don’t have any tickets or an itinerary and I didn’t even have my passport!

Day 8. Wednesday. All things come …. as the saying goes, and so did our tickets, information and my passport, 12 hours to spare. (Whew)! We are set.

Day 9. Thursday. We’re off,!!!. Now do not believe what anyone tells you about Jet Lag. It really is all a piece of mind. From Sydney to London is about 22 hours flying time. The first leg is 8 hours to Singapore or KL. Second leg, non-stop to London. I have developed a system that works every time.

First leg, you make a serious attempt to drink the on board bar dry of red wine or whatever your preferred brew may be. Second leg, only drink water, do not eat, and sleep as much as you can. Now guys, control your actions when you start to get pissed. Trust me; don’t go thinking, "Why do this?" "What about hitting on the Air Hostee’s". You may as well just get pissed and sleep for the second leg of the journey, what else are you going to do? I have yet to meet a man who has successfully picked up an Airhostess whilst in flight. Perhaps it is something to do with them seeing the drool seeping out of the corner of our mouths as we sleep in grotesque uncomfortable positions? Or the uninvited lustful look when we do not know anything about them? Reality is, like most attractive women, they have heard it all before. So, leave them alone, don’t be a pain in the arse, just Sleep. The same rule applies for the girls. Just make sure you’re wearing slacks & slippers. Drunken girls can get very messy.

We arrived in London Friday morning, (Now on London time) feeling a little groggy and hungry. A 15-minute Fast Trak and, a short tube ride to Kensington Gardens and we arrived at the Hotel. Overlooking Kensington Palace and gardens and a short walk from Knightsbridge, this is a lovely hotel in a great location. We had an early check in so we quickly showered, ate a huge breakfast and then we were off to do some serious sight seeing. John had not been to London since we were kids, (last week) no, I mean really young (ouch). So it was great to get on the buses and do all the sights. We even attended an organ recital at St Paul's, sitting in the choir, very beautiful.

Dayz 10 & 11 The weekend. Our second and third nights in London. Pub lunches with pints of Black'N'Tan, taking in the pulse from the throng of people, very alive. We explored and became locals for a few days and nights. Loitering around Soho and the West End, hanging out in smart Pubs. Checking out live music venues, very cool, some great Jazz. London is so totally cosmopolitan. You do find similarities in most major cities but, London would have to have the most diverse mix of race and creed anywhere on the planet. Stop people to talk to on the street and 9 out of 10 would not speak English as their first language. We were approached many times by visitors talking with accents other than British mistaking us for locals, asking for directions. If they were female and good-looking we said, "Sure, come with us" most of them where Japanese tourists in groups so, not much luck there.

Day 12, Monday, at last. A restful day as the Premier was that night. A Black Chauffer driven Limousine picked us up at 1700 hrs, it was already dark outside. We went on a bit of a round about road trip around Buckingham Palace and The West End, taking a drive down Oxford Street thru Piccadilly Circus to see the lights. Then back to The Royal Albert Hall via Harrods to see the 007 Christmas display.

We arrived at The Albert Hall at 1815hrs. We stepped on to the red carpet and the flashing of cameras, followed by a groan from the paparazzi as they realise that we are not famous (well, not in their eyes that is). There was time for John and I to walk around the hall. We checked out the royal box and were staggered at the visible lack of security, very British of the Queen.

We had a cocktail or two and went to our seat. We were sitting in the second row (centre) we looked around and appreciated our beautiful surroundings. The Albert Hall had been recently re-furbished. The ceiling was spectacular. We beautiful people watched for a while then the lights went down and The Royal Heralds walked out on to the spot lit Stage. The Royal Heralds consisted of twelve guys in Golden coloured Beefeater type uniforms with the Royal Crest blazoned upon their breast. They created quite a spectacle and were so colourful. They raised their trumpets and blasted out a fanfare. We stood and turned to face the Royal Box, (literally about 10 meters from our seats), The Queen and entourage walked in, the house organ and the trumpets played the anthem. It was very bloody loud, but also very moving.

We sat after the Anthem and on to the stage walked one of the long term Producers of the Bond films; he introduced a few celebrities as they walked out onto the stage: George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, and then the main characters from the new movie followed by John Cleese, Madonna, Halley Berry and Pierce Brosnan. What a blast, there they all where, on stage in front of John and I. (I was surprised to see that except for John Cleese they were all quite short). A few formalities where read out and then these celebrities were ushered off the stage so that the movie could begin.

The movie was great fun, a great ride with lots of laughs and tongue in cheek ridiculousness' it was well worth seeing on the big screen. The movie and formalities finish by 2130 'ish, then it was time for our departure out through door "6" (The Stars Door). We walked out onto the Red Carpet and to the flashing of cameras and groan of paparazzi again. We then took a short stroll down the red carpet and across the road. The road had been blocked off all day causing terrific havoc with the already horrific traffic conditions of London. It was blocked off in preparation for this event and of course, visible security for the Queen. Anyway across the road we went, to Kensington Gardens where a purpose-built marquee had been erected for the after show party. (Now the fun part really begins).

The Bond Marquee.

Part of the movie Die Another Day was set in Iceland in an ice palace built by the villain. This Ice Palace was replicated inside the marquee. It was incredible. We were greeted by an army of wait staff, trays full with crystal glasses of Champagne and Red Wine. There where four large main Bars made out of sculptured ice. Several separate food areas with barbeque and hot plates cooking teriyaki seafood, with wonderful salad and vegetarian displays and even a Sushi Bar. The centre bar was the Vodka Martinis Bar and shaped like a bottle of Absolut Vodka, ice arms unfolded down the four corners of the ice bottle supporting large scallop shell type trays full of crushed Ice holding palm-sized scallop shell trays of Beluga grey and Iranian black caviar. When you see the movie, check out the Ice Palace, it was as though the movie set was a rehearsal in preparation for the actual set of the Bond Marquee.

The abundance of waiting staff provided an endless supply of Bollinger Champagne and a very fine French Red. I guess if you did not drink alcohol or eat fine food you would have wondered what all the fuss was about. Not me,!!!

Once I tasted that first sip of Champagne I felt that I had gone to a decadent heaven, then when I realised that the supply of Bollinger would not slow down or stop, I knew I had gone to my decadent heaven. My glass was not allowed to go empty, very regularly they replaced rather than refilled my crystal flute. It was truly a visual and veritable feast for the eyes, taste buds, heart and soul. We walked around and explored the whole area, it was enormous and there must have been a thousand of the worlds rich and famous indulging in the delights on offer.

I noticed a raised section with its own Bollinger Ice Bar, bottle size holes cut into the centre section for the Champagne to chill; this area had tabled seating and was in front of the dance floor. Above the dance floor was a suspended stage with a very groovy Latin/Cuban Band playing (highlighting another scene from the movie). We walked up a small flight of seven stairs and then stood there to beautiful people watch for a while. I began to realise that this was actually the VIP cast area. Pierce was there, he smoked a cigar with me, he just didn’t know it. He was standing at the other end of the Bar. However, many other people did come over to John and I. They introduced themselves assuming that we belonged there and were some part of the team. We did not correct them but, we told no lies either, honest.

I walked past a table as this lovely little guy was standing up brushing Tuxedos as he did, he turned, smiled and held out his hand saying, "Hello, I’m Roger Moore". We shook hands and chatted for a while. John noticed someone that he knew I would want to meet and so we walked toward his table, he saw us coming and stood up, a strong hand held out as he introduced himself, "Hi, I'm Tim". So we chatted with Timothy Dalton for a while. Tim was working his table, we figured his guests to be producers and he was working them for a project. It was somehow warming to see this and to realise that at any level of success and notoriety you still have to work, for your Art. We supported his mission with words of respect and admiration then moved on so that Tim could continue with his pitch.

I stood at my favourite bar, The Bollinger Bar. My brother John went down to the dance floor. John was doing the moves with and on, the main second female lead (Frost) from the movie, good move brother. She was cute and from a distance looked quite sexy but was probably only about 18 with pimples just hidden below the make up. I was standing at the bar enjoying the view and stepped back not aware that someone was standing behind me. I bumped into someone "Oh shit, sorry" I said over my shoulder without looking. With the hint of an American accent a female voice repeated my words graciously making a joke out of it. I turned around and almost fell over; quickly regaining my cool there I was, face to face (Well my chest to her face but most definitely, eye to eye) with, "Madonna".

We just stood there chatting with for a while. What a great lady, intelligent, even a little humble and soooo sexy. Madonna is all woman, with an amazing sensual energy just exuding from her presence. A very attractive female friend of mine who’s name is Barbara, had once told me that Madonna was the only woman that could make her turn gay. As a gesture for my friend I told Madonna what Barbara had said. Madonna was so cool, without missing a beat she responded, "Yes, I get that a lot." Madonna was such a very cool and very gracious lady.

One of the publicity people came over and introduced herself. She said that she was also the wife of one of the production company’s accountants. She was actually the only pretentious person that we would meet that night. (Somehow she ended up in my brother’s bed but, that's later in the story). Anyway, the pretentious person said, "We respected the courage that you had shown Madonna, by playing your role in the movie as your own age". I felt this statement was cold, bitchy and offensive. I leaned over to the Pretentious Bitch and with my nose almost touching hers and said, "What a crock of shit and a stupid thing to say. Madam, you are presumptuous and pretentious".

(I was impressed with myself for getting the words out correctly, especially considering the amount of alcohol that I must have consumed so far that night.) Madonna laughed and took hold of me by the arm. Ignoring the Pretentious Bitch she said to me, "Come on, I want to introduce you to my date." (I thought, "Oh Bugger, how disappointing. I guess she's not taking me home then"). I met her date. It was this really cool guy (Guy Ritchie) who directed the Lock Stock movies and other hits of the moment. An interesting guy and they made a nice couple, (I knew they were married so I did not embarrass Australia by trying to hit on Madonna). Being ever so cool, I did not overstay my welcome either and wondered back over to my favourite bar.

Conversation with these celebrities was very interesting; it was kind of ordinary just like at a party with friends, or friends of friends. We obviously talked about the wonderful spread at the Bond Marquee but some also talked about the troubles around the globe and what the future may hold. In my rap with Madonna we even talked about spirituality and the power of the universe. It was all so very natural and very interesting. Had I acted more like a groupie or a fan then I am sure that they would have been more reserved and less natural. It was just an incredible buzz to be there and to meet these interesting people. John and I remained cool and enjoyed it all.

Two Dutch men came up and decided that I must have been involved in the financing of the movie. Now, I get that a lot. People often assume that I am more affluent than I am. The two Dutchmen actually were involved in the backing of the movie. They were interesting enough guys but they had absolutely no sense of humour. They were also the only people that we would meet who wanted to talk about the movie; they actually ask what we thought about the movie. I said it was great fun, a real blast and John said it was one hell of a ride. They looked at us dumfounded, they had no concept of what we were saying. They could understand our words but had no chance of comprehending the meaning.

They reacted to what we said as thought they had thought the movie was a serious and dramatic thriller. Now, come on guys? I picked up the challenge and voiced my feelings from our first observation of them, "Okay, you guys obviously have no sense of humour"! They looked at me, at each other for a few moments and then decided that I was correct.

These men proved to be very intelligent, genuine, open and a couple of really nice guys. It was interesting to be able to analyse a stranger and have them participate and react to your analysis. Our first assumption and opinion of them be it correct or not, presented the premise and opportunity for a very interesting conversation. Less confident men may have taken offence but not these guys. I found out later that they are Philips (Like, I mean that they own the company). They had invested US$10M into the project; I just smiled and said, "That was a good move". (-Holy shit- and I’m giving these guys advice, -and they’re taking it-)!

Pierce Brosnan and Halley Berry were only there for a short time; Halley Berry truly is a stunning looking woman. Sean Connery was noticeable in his absence, how cool it would have been to talk shit with Sean? In reality it was just a wonderful experience to see these people in a comfortable environment mixing with their peers. With no paparazzi around; or at worse only invited friendly paparazzi, they could just be themselves, relax and enjoy the moment. I realise that events like this are still considered working to actors, performers and artists; but what a wonderful environment to have to work in.

The rest of the partygoers were made up of a few Lord and Lady such and such's and invited stars and financiers. The cast from a few of the current shows playing at the West End were also there, and many other faces that looked vaguely familiar. We could sort of recognise some faces but not quite put names too them. The fickle memory of an audience I guess, or perhaps the effect of too much Bollinger. No, I don’t think it is possible to have too much of that heavenly drop. We were just bombarded with an eye feast of biblical proportion. Then completing the partygoers list there was my brother John and your humbled storyteller. I must have consumed at least 6 bottles of Bollinger by this stage and so thought I should either slow down or just boogie and see what happens next. Boogie and see what happens next, we did.

The fun part had as yet, not even begun. Now, Picture this;

We have all seen the scene in a movie, at the Dance Club with the throng of the crowd crammed together fisted arm aimed high in salute slashing to the beat, heads whipping forward and back as they pump into the air, getting high on the vibes and the energy created by the room. Or a music video where grateful fans jump and groove to the beat of their idol of the moment. Those scenes are as though from a kindergarten party compared to the energy being pumped out by this 1000 strong crowd. The age group of the crowd would have been between 35 and 60, there were a few Starlets working the room who would have been in their early twenty’s however, the majority of us were over 40.

For that fleeting moment in time with a decadent atmosphere exalted by flowing Champagne we were the rich and famous, (well okay, we were surrounded by the rich and famous) John and I were the free loaders along for the ride, and what a ride it was. The pulsating mix of Cuban and Latin rhythms from the band getting inside of you, blood hot, hips swaying, we should have looked ridiculous but, we did not. This truly was, "An All Time High".

John was doing his moves on the dance floor again, this time with two old dears weighed down by the gold, diamonds and pearls dripping from their wrinkled skin. I was shaking my hips not wanting to leave the bar in case it disappeared. The pretentious bitch from earlier came up and introduced her husband, she was rosy cheeked and obviously feeling horny. She also must have been thick skinned and made no reference to my earlier outburst. She was actually a really good-looking woman, probably mid thirty’s and quite tall with a well-formed hourglass figure. My unsuspecting brother grooved toward us and so I suggested that he take her to dance. Her husband was happy to be rid of her; he obviously had set something up with one of the Starlets. As soon as his wife was out of site he made his apologies and was off. I saw him scurrying to the exit with a long legged blond attached to his arm.

Two of the Starlets working as a team, who had passed my line of vision several times already, did their walk directly in front of me this time. What these girls were doing was parading themselves around the room hoping to be seen and picked up by someone famous, rich or at least important. This is why I have nick named them "Starlets". These girls really were absolutely gorgeous models who were working the room hard. They were obviously on a mission to be discovered at any personal cost.

They would walk three perfectly performed cat walk steps, straight legged foot in front of foot hips swaying to the max. Then stand absolutely still for a moment giving the surrounding men time to adjust their line of site. The Starlets then tossed their head to the left, then to the right. This movement created a slow motion effect, as their beautifully coiffured long locks would flow through the air around their perfectly chiselled made up faces. They all had a similar look and style as though they came in some mass-produced gift box of what someone thought men liked. They certainly did look amazing and so very sexy and enticing but also a little foolish. It must have taken them an hour just to get to the loo, although they probably avoided going to the loo.

The brunette standing in front of me did the hair flicking part of their routine. Her hair brushed across my face, man it smelled good, she looked so good this close up too. This was it, one of those moments that later on you can always think of what you should have said or could have said, but your mind goes blank of creative fun repertoire, all thinking goes below the waist line and you loose the moment. My mind was blank, my mouth went dry. Fortunately for me I easily get the giggles, so all I could do was laugh. We made eye contact for a moment, this young woman was a siren, how could any man resist. Luckily for me, she broke the eye contact and continued their walk. Had she not I think I would have drowned on the spot. I was totally lost in her eyes; she had literally taken my breath away.

Feeling instantly sober I thought I had better have another drink. Time slowly flitted by. Around 0300 am the next morning, there was still no sign of the party slowing down. The Bollinger was still flowing, the band was still playing, the crowd was still pumping. We had been drinking and partying non-stop for over 5 hours and still going strong.

Not bad for a pair of likely lads from Liverpool now living in Australia, partying hard with London’s elite. John and Pretentious Bitch were obviously getting on well; her tongue down his throat gave me that impression. Then my heart took a leap, the brunette Starlet who had brushed my face with her hair earlier was heading my way. No longer limiting her steps to three at a time, this apparition proudly strode across the dance floor up the steps toward me. Our eyes made contact; I held her gaze and did not flinch. She stopped completely in my space, face to face. With an educated English accent she said," Why did you laugh at me earlier, am I not attractive to you?"

Okay guys, now this is definitely a "life moment". The next words to leave my mouth were going to be amongst the most important I have ever uttered. If I blow this I would be ending this incredible night with the frustration of a marathon masturbation session of regret. Nothing, no creative thought could possibly substitute this beautiful creature that was standing in front of me. Should I have maintained my dignity by not allowing myself to be an easy and predictable target? Should I be honest and tell her the truth, exonerate my male ego. All sorts of piffle went through my brain for about a half of a half of a second then with very little cool or finesse I thought, -Get it together George- and blurted out in panic, "I laughed because you had truly taken my breath away and I could not think straight to speak". "Attractive to me", (my voice actually slipped up an octave when I said that), "hehmm", (I cleared my throat to talk deeper again). "You are without any doubt one of the most attractive and desirable young women that I have ever seen in my long life". She smiled, went up on her toes and kissed me on the cheek. She said, "Okay, in that case, you can have me tonight".

Now I am not usually that easy and I am more in to equality but hey, a man's gotta do….. Decadent heaven, what a wonderful life, thank you God. The Hotel was only a 10-minute walk away. (The thought did not enter our minds to ask these girls, well, one girl and one woman, their names). John and Pretentious Bitch, the Brunette Starlet and me, walked arm in arm toward the Hotel. Sensual laughter of expectation between us, bodies brushing together. Hands touching, the feel of skin on skin heightening our senses pronouncing the beginning of foreplay.

We reached the Hotel. John and I had adjoining rooms, we entered through John’s door, Starlet and I went through to my room leaving John and the now ex-Pretentious Bitch, to themselves.

This girl really was stunningly beautiful; her skin was toned and tanned. There were two fine straps holding up her glittering body hugging dress. Using her index finger and thumb she pushed the straps over her shoulders. With a wriggle of her hips and a little tug at the hem, the dress fell to her feet.

Now completely naked, she stepped over her dress toward me. She had lovely breast; they where so soft, full and round with tiny nipples pointing to the ceiling. She had slim hips with very long legs. Her body was completely smooth and hair free. Man, this was one hell of a night.

One of the benefits of age is knowledge. I may have naively stumbled in to this situation however; once I was there I knew exactly what to do. Younger women are often subject to quick sex and disappointment. Now I ask you, look at what I have standing in front of me, this is going to be anything but quick. I explained this to her in the best way that I know how, with a slow and gentle kiss. She understood and responded by giving at the knees and letting go in to my arms so that I could lift her and carry her to the bed, she kicked of her shoes as we went.

I am a tad overweight and no longer very agile; so to slip out of my clothes whilst lying down is an impossibility. I would have to throw myself all over the bed, hardly a display that I want to put on at this stage. Although actually; one of the wondrous things that I have learned about women, especially younger women is that they seem to be able to, not notice how I look naked. If they did then I would never have any fun but, it still amazes me that they do not seem to worry about the ill placed excessive bulges. They only look in to your eyes for sincerity and then at your penis for security. Younger women are definitely less complicated. They are not interested in a long-term relationship with a man like me. I understand this and do not cling, assume or presume. They just want to have fun and be treated with respect. Thank you girls, thank you decadent heaven and again, thank you God.

I excused myself and headed for the bathroom to throw off my clothes dimming the lights as I went. I walked back in to the bedroom; there she was lying on my bed. I love white sheets, especially with a naked beautiful woman laying on them. Her skin looked almost olive in colour now. She was laying on her right side looking into my eyes as I walked toward her; she gave a quick glance down below. Her right arm was stretched out over the pillow as an invitation to lay next to her. Her breast exposed and inviting as her left arm was held up to welcome me. Her left knee lay discreetly across her right knee.

I entered her welcome embrace and kissed her gently on the lips. Our kiss became hot and wet as our senses rage in this naked embrace with skin tingling and goose bumps forming from head to toe. The commencement of an exploration in sensual delight ensued. I took my time and this lovely young woman appreciated this and responded beautifully. We laughed and explored and then laughed some more. The temperature was warm in the hotel room and steadily rising within our embrace as our desire began to take flight.

I awoke with a start, sitting on the lavatory in a strange bathroom. I enjoyed for a moment the absolute abandonment of understanding; I truly had no idea where I was. I then realised that I was in the bathroom of my hotel room. Then with a flash I remembered that I had a beautiful woman in my bed. (Well, I thought that I did). I closed the bathroom door, flushed the loo and jumped into the shower.

All this time I was desperately trying to remember what had happened. I did not remember going in to the bathroom. What was going on? From the feeling in my abbs and scrotum I thought that I must have had sex. I quickly towelled off and not knowing what to expect, I ran in to the bedroom. She really was there, this gorgeous creature lying between the sheets. Lying on her side with one leg exposed. I let my eyes feast on her naked flesh and travel along her leg across the sheets to her exposed shoulder with the lower part of her soft breast showing beneath her arm.

I gently slipped back in to the bed, she moved to my embrace wrapping her body tightly around mine I was instantly aroused. I gently kissed the sleep from her mouth. She breathed hot breath against my chest and feeling my erection said in a husky tone, "I can’t, sorry; I have to look after my body. I never have sex two days in a row. Besides, you were wild last night".

"Was I?" I said, "I can’t remember."

She laughed, kissed me and said, "You were wonderful."

I just did not understand. I felt so confused. She kissed me again, firmly and said, "Believe me, you were wonderful. I loved making love with you. You were so attentive and considerate and I was so impressed with your stamina. Now I must be going".

I lay back in the bed in a state of confusion, what had happened last night, (well this morning actually)? I could remember her first embrace, her kiss. Then things begin to get a bit fuzzy, and then blank until I woke up on the loo? She came out of the shower just in time to open the door for room service. I sipped at my coffee and watched while she got dressed. (This was very pleasant indeed). She only had a little purse but somehow left wearing a completely different outfit to what she had arrived in last night? Women, I am so glad that I am able to accept this wonderful reality that I will never truly understand you. Women have magical powers and handbags like the Sultans Tent in Scheherazade. Tiny on the outside but miraculously open up ten times their size on the inside, full of all sorts of treasures and wondrous things. We gently kissed, said goodbye and she left. I lay back smiling, enjoying the confusion that I was feeling then looked at the open adjoining door.

John, oops, was that door left open all night? I jumped up and popped my head around the corner. Ex-Pretentious Bitch and John were fast asleep in a lovers embrace. Good one brother. Maybe they can tell me what happened when they wake up later on.

As I lay back down to get some sleep I felt something on the bed scratching my butt. I got up to have a look; the bed was full of diamantes and pearls,??? Where the hell did they come from? How come I didn’t feel them before? This was all too weird. I brushed what I could off the bed and lay back down to sleep. I woke up hearing John talking to somebody. It was dark outside and I had no idea what the time was. I heard a door close and John walked in to my room through our adjoining door. Grinning from ear to ear he jumped on my bed and said, "Well man, the Brothers Brownrigg got well and truly laid last night".

I said. "Well its all very well for you brother but, I can’t remember a bloody thing".

"Oh shit," said John. "Did she use that phial of stuff"?

John went on to explain that my Brunette Starlet had offered a phial of something to the ex-Pretentious Bitch. Ex-Pretentious Bitch declined. It was Amylene Hydrate, a drug that when taken correctly supposedly enhances the senses during sex. Damn, and I don’t remember.

Apparently you break open the phial and inhale at orgasm, it’s suppose to send the senses totally berserk creating even more intense and wilder sustained orgasmic pleasure for both partners. John and I decided that as I had not used it before; and considering that I have never done drugs (I have never taken anything stronger than an aspirin) I must have tripped out and then passed out and that is why I can’t remember. John said that I was very noisy and so was the Brunette Starlet, it certainly sounded as though we were having a wild time. So much so that we actually woke them up and turned them on again so they went at it for seconds.

"That’s great brother." I said, "I’m so glad to find out that everyone had such a good time but, I still can’t remember a bloody thing!"

I decided to settle for the reality that if you take the Amylene Hydrate at orgasm then at least I must have taken that lovely young creature to that stage so I must have done okay. Or maybe she was just being sweet. I don’t think it matters either way, it was pretty wild all round. It is still the weirdest feeling not being able to remember. The parts that I do remember were wonderful so that’s okay.

John and I had a light snack and realised that miraculously we had not suffered any hangover. How bizarre, especially considering the amount of Bollinger that I must have consumed. We laughed again thinking about the night, well as much as I could remember, and then decided it was probably wise to have an early night. We both slept very well indeed.

Day 14. Final Day. Day and night thirteen were sort of lost and absorbed within the previous dayz. I had not got around to getting naturalized and so still travel on my British passport. We had to go to the Australian Consulate in London to get my permanent residency visa stamped in my passport so that I could get back in to Australia. We got there at 11.00am, they closed at 11.30am. We had access cards for our bank accounts in Oz and a little cash. Our credit cards were fully extended, (of course). We discovered that we did not have enough cash to pay for my visa. This was very serious. No visa in my passport and I could not get on the plane. This felt somehow surreal.

This could not be happening now, not after such a wonderful time? We called in to several Banks but our Bank access cards would not be accepted, so beware. The Bank assured us when we returned to Australia that they should have worked. Well they didn’t and they don’t so don’t get stuck like us. We had thirty English pounds and needed eighty.

Luckily I had a friend that I could phone and ask for help. My friend had to call the Consulate from Oz and used her Credit Card to pay for my Visa. Okay, I should have planned ahead a bit better for this but hey! Thank you dear friend Lydia for bailing us out. Had you not then it would have cost two full fare air tickets, accommodation and who knows what if we had not made our flight.

My lost memory of those hours has still not returned, but that’s okay. As wonderful as I am sure the rest of that night would have been the parts that I do remember and the rest of the fourteen days and five nights were so outrageous. A totally memorable and quite remarkable time. Especially considering that I really am just an ordinary guy. I have never been a "Bloke", I don’t think of myself as a "Player" however; my life just has crazy things happen in and around it regularly. This little tale is but one example of many in the life and times of yours truly. I am not sure why or how this happens to me?

I know it would make a great educational video for men if I could work out how and why some of these crazy - wonderful things happen to me? Reality is that this sort of thing happens and I am just receptive enough to let go of any inhibitions and embrace it when it does and then enjoy the experience to the fullest. But; when I look at myself back in the real world, in my bathroom standing naked in front of the mirror, I can only shake my head and wonder how. I lick the front of my right hand index finger make a mark on an imaginary board in front of me and say, " That’s one more for the fat man ".

I picked my dry cleaning up about a week after returning to where I was living in Perth. The dry cleaners gave me a little plastic bag full of diamantes and pearls that they had found loose in my Tuxedo trousers pocket. Please, does any body know and can anybody tell me where these bloody diamantes and pearls came from.???